I'm free again..

I lived without it for a while.., 

for quite some time actually...,

very conscious of it.., but without anything I could do.. 

I realized then.., that it's not enough.. 

It's not enough to know, it's not enough to be able to.., 

to be able to conect with nature..

My mind tried hard to scape.., she tried to go very far away, 

to unknown places beyond physics.. 

... I've always thought it was totally possible for people like me.. 

.. but it wasn't.. 

She had no water... 

... how could she go so far without water??? 

so.., she stayed and wait.., and I lost my freedom..

Time went by.. 

I got water now.., and I know now what is really necessary and what is not.. 

I will thank for those necessary things everyday.. 

Cause I'm free again.., I'm alive again... 

That's why I can say I will be happy, just because I chose my life.. 

Not all people can say that.., and some people just don't know if there's a difference.. 

But freedom has a high price.., indeed.. 

Through my short path I hurted some people I love.., 

I made mistakes when finding my way.., 

I lost something I still miss cause I took a decision.., 

I got hurted of course, many times.., and all these will continue happening..

"La libertad tiene un precio alto.., tan alto como el precio de la esclavitud.."

I'm proud of all my scars.., and I'm happily paying the price, 

with a smile, even more when tears come across.. 

I made changes.., I didn't stay there.. 

Now I'm living pushing my limits.., challenging physics.., 

trying to get to more unkown places.., 

.. today.., I visited another one..

The first layer of my philosophy

I grew up thinking that the most important in "my" world was to be faithful with myself.., no matter what.., and that means a lot actually.., more than I thought then..

It was, and it is.., a fight with the "a priori ways" we all have for protecting our conscious mind, who can't stand all our emotions, fears, desires and feelings..

I think I started fighting my "ego defense mechanisms" since I was conscious I "am".. 

Never liked to be blinded by those mechanisms.. so, without noticing, I was learning to be "awake".., to feel everything.., even the most powerful and basic desires as killing and lust..

Since I remember, I tried to embrace everything I felt and all my dreams as reality.., without any guilt, without any shame..

I think that's why I can shout my heart's longings without any shame and without caring what people think.. 

That's why I can be in the center of my own deep sorrow and sit there, quiet and still.., without doing anything to hide it or make it disappear.., embracing it instead!.., without closing my soul or my heart because of it...

That's why I can dance.. 

That's why I have disappointed others in order to be loyal to myself.. .. and I'll keep doing it.. 

That's why I can live failures, problems, heart breakings, pains, betrayals, death, and still shout to the universe: I LOVE BEING ALIVE..!! 

That's why I like my own company and.., 

.. that's why this layer of my philosophy holds me from inside..

Posts related: Some years ago.. My reasons

Some years ago..

Several years ago.., I discovered one of the layers of my philosophy..., maybe the most important one..

I really don't remember how was the process of discovering it... 

I was very young.., way too young maybe.. 

My childhood was totally tainted with philosophy thoughts and I couldn't connect with anybody for a long time.., I never played with my 10 year old classmates.., I never watched all those TV series for children.., I never understood how to play with dolls.., instead of that, I spent my days reading for hours and making puzzles.., thinking about my place in the world.., talking to souls.., exploring why people around me said that God exist.., and trying to understand WHY my classmates were too interested in subjects that were so silly and shallow for me..

I'm a psychologist now.., kind of obvious?, not at all I must say..

Actually, Psychology was my 5th choice.. after Philosophy, Art, Criminology, Literature, and going totally nuts.. :)

Finally, when I was 16, I was able to increase a little bit my adaptation to the "real" world and to the working world.., so.. with that in mind, I made my choice..

Now, as a Psychologist and as an "almost" adult person, I ask myself if "my philosophy world" was 'good' for a girl at that early age.., it brought me some problems, family ones and social ones..

At some point it got better and now it is almost calm..

But even with all those problems.., and even if now I have to accept that I still don't quite connect with the majority of people.., it was all worthed.., cause without that, I wouldn't have been the person I am now..

I think I'm still kind of weird, but happy with myself!, and with the people I DO connect with..

So.. what was my first layer of my life philosophy???

Related posts: The first layer of my philosophy My reasons

Underneath the magic of Elsa & Fred

"Life is measured by the number of moments that take your breath away"..

An idea I've always lived with.., my ulterior philosophy, and a way to die feeling 'happy'..

"Elsa & Fred" 

A film by Marcos Carnevale, with the extraordinary China Zorrila and Manuel Alexandre, in probably, one of their best performance and one of my favorite movies..

Incredibly beautiful Lito Vitale's soundtrack, that made me feel I couln't stand more emotions in my body.. Listening to the music after seeing the movie has become painfully GOOD!

An excellent movie because of the huge spectrum of colors that take us to very high emotions.., because it gives a life lesson in a simple, sutil but deep way, complementing with the most 'real' of human non-verbal language.

An admirable Director's work, from my point of view, because I think one has to be brave and also really good to be able to work on this 'repeated' theme, showing on screen 'just' 2 people falling in love, BUT making it different, overwhelming and getting such a big connection with the audience.

A solid script, with simple structure but very deep, with good taste and delicate sense of humor, and with a majestic performance of leading actors.

My angel brought to me this movie.., on a moment as perfect as magic, when everything in my life is changing and evolving into an abstract 'form' I haven't recognized yet, but have started to love already.. 

Definitely, one of the sweetest movies I've ever seen.. and probably the one that shows better that life is measured by the number of moments that take your breath away.., even if it happens at the end of your path..

Película en español aquí 

My bedroom has changed this Monday

When I thought about the "first Monday".., 

I knew it was gonna be weird, grey and sad..

.. But I had NO idea how much it would hurt..

Here I am.., 

feeling like I'm in the middle of nothing.. 

Looking desperately for the smile of my eyes, 

and asking my dancing desires and my libido: 'till when are you gonna hide?

How empty this Monday evening can be?!!! 

.. and the weekend was only better cause I had the challenge to convince everyone I was still ME.. 

I didn't know I was gonna leave that much there.. 

I've felt this sensation before.., and I know it always goes away, after a while.. 

But this is the FIRST time I feel MY BEDROOM empty.. 

This sensation is totally new for my 26 years old.. 

Yes.., it will also go away.., but I won't hurry up.., 

cause I need to discover its meaning..

I'm still totally amazed to realize I'm feeling something so new in something so old.. 

So amazed to realize how many things I found in my past.. 

.. a past that will be always perfect to shape my future..

In the meantime.., I will hug my sadness and enjoy it.., 

with my cat and my music that always find the perfect mood for each moment..

'Hoy quisiera detener el tiempo.., la distancia entre los dos..' 

'Soy fragilidad sin tí.. ' 

'Son las cosas de la vida.., que nos quedan por vivir..'

EGYPT by "Celeste"

I have already 1 week here.., and my happiness is telling me "she" wants to freeze time and shine a bit more inside me.., discovering what is this thing that makes her so true..

EGYPT!.., one of the most visited countries in the world.., and a "MUST" for those who love turism, culture and history..

The political and cultural center that leads the Middle East.., the most populous country in Africa (after Nigeria of course).., the country that has in its territory the Giza Pyramids, the Great Sphinx, the Tomb of Tutankhamun, the Valley of the Kings, the longest river in the world, The Nile River.., impressive monuments and ancient history..

Maybe nowadays, Egypt is a top destination just because is "Egypt".., but, for those who do know.., this place is attractive for being one of the most overwhelming and one of the first civilizations in the history of humanity that still holds some unsolved questions..

Besides that.., for me at least, is one of the countries that sadly represents the human fight for power.., that human desire for owning tangible things that give wealth, "status" and power...
As you know, the Nile Valley has generated fights since at least the Paleolithic era! and Egypt was owned for several "kingdoms", since the Persians, the Greeks and the Romans, until the Frenchs and Britains.., passing through the Muslim Arabs and the Ottoman Turks, as a really brief example of a history of Wars for Power..
And even since Egyptian Republic was declared in 1953, the efforts for taking down the goverment continued, and the Suez Canal and the Sinai have been reasons of war with France, United Kingdom and Israel, bringing death and barriers for development.

A place where the calls for praying are heard 5 times a day cause it is one of the Pillars of Islam.., a country 90% muslim where they all know it means 'submission to God'.., and this meaning changes everything for us, skeptic ones, but shapes everything for them..
A place where extreme Islamic Fundamentalism exists, but at the same time, a country that is evolving and fighting against it, even if it has brought some attacks to the major source of income: Turism..

... Suddenly...
I look at myself standing up inside a culture demonstration that, even if totally different, teaches me again that..:

A human being is not made by his religion, his belongings or the longest river, cause we are all just a wonderful second in the universe with a brain, senses, dreams and fears..

And I see again.. that concepts are only concepts.., and people feelings are the same in every spot you happen to be..

It doesn't feel like Egypt...

The day before yesterday I was in a plane for 19 hours...

But I feel like I didn't move..

Yesterday.., I slept in my bed..

Today.., I woke up at home and talked to myself as usual, but this time somebody was listening..

I ate a different kind of bread and felt cold in a different way.., but when I stood up in the balcony of that 23rd floor I couldn't see The Nile nor the Pyramids..

My mind got control over my senses and all I could see and feel was the most beautiful of my life routines..
And my eyes stopped to admire how my imagination and proyections were more than right, even that perfect moment when making the bed I smiled at you..

So that was my first impression of CAIRO..

Even if the culture, the streets, the Nile, the Pyramids or the history of Egypt are surrounding me, it doesn't feel like Egypt.. it feels like home..

I didn't go out that Friday cause today is AI applications' deadline.., but I enjoyed the apartment as crazy..
I'm thinking right now about how I'm feeling.., sitting in my living room, alone only for 15 minutes.., and totally breaking my previous thought that Egypt is supposed to be hot.. :)

Seeing my reflection and loosing myself in the surreal dream I'm afraid to break if I breath stronger..

Here is the amazing view from that 23rd floor..,
Maybe you all can see what I couldn't that first day..

The Pyramids after the Nile, after 'Maadi', after that balcony..

Tomorrow.. AFRICA!

The first time I thought about this crazy thing I'm gonna do tomorrow was THAT time in Switzerland.., 1 year and a half ago!

I was traveling around one of the most expensive countries in the world.., having the LUCK to be hosted by a friend.., I was happy to be traveling around the whole Switzerland., but not so happy with my life at that time...
I was feeling lonely, like I didn't fit..
I was really trying to escape from the reality of Italy, but instead, I felt even more that things were not right in Brescia and I was scared about my next step..
Actually, besides beautiful Switzerland and meeting Carissa, one of the things that 'saved' me was THAT moment when I decided to go Africa..

I've been wanting this for 1 year and a half.., I planned it in my mind for 2006.., but lots of things and places were also expecting me so it wasn't possible last year..

Anyway, I believe that if you truly truly want something, you just have to decide it, cause the biggest dreams happen when you plan them..
I decided I wanted this.., so I made it happen!, and tomorrow, I will catch a plane to AFRICA.., not to Cameroon this time, but to Egypt!
Where I'll find something I don't need to look for.., but something I don't wanna loose as I realized I can't stand being so long without it..

Sitting over Cameroon, the moment I decided.. 15/09/05

An inconvenient truth..

"..INTELLECTUALLY EXHILARATING.. 'An unconvenient truth' is a necessary film"

A.O. Scott. THE NEW YORK TIMES "A sad 'coming soon'?.., a convenient interpretation for political publicity?.., or both??" E.C.B. CELESTE'S BLOG

I just saw the Academic Award-winning documental about the state of Global Warming.., an even if I accept that Al Gore commited certain mistakes, this is a subject that actually matters to me like few others do.., maybe because of my particular fears, or my care for animals.., or because "destruction" is a theme that has always "worried" me in a "neurotic and strange" way..

Directed by David Guggenheim and presented by former United States Vice President Al Gore:

DESTRUCTION.. isn't this word scary??

Have you ever thought if we are really sitting on a ticking time bomb? Maybe yes.., but how many of you have, as an obvious consolation, the fact that we are not going to be here then?.. Well, from a mind that really loves life and has recently DISCOVERED how it is to love and admire your country and your world (thing that I didn't realize before), Global Warming, if true, becomes a huge state of alert.. Because, even if sometimes I live in "other world", I can't believe how amazing animals are.., how beautiful the moon or a flower can be.., how much calm the rain can bring with its sweet nostalgy.., how powerful the smile of a person you love can be.., and how love can make this world go round.. I can go on and on with how amazed I am with our world.. I just don't want to imagine destruction..

The title for this film seems to me so "convenient"... Although it refers to a passage from the famous book 'Democracy in America', another thing comes to my mind, as I was talking the other day with a friend in terms of what's convenient or not for us.. People decisions are based on that, even when we don't notice it directly.. So, if the majority of people think Global Warming is caused by humanity, how come we arrived to this point?.. theory of immediate satisfaction!!

.. but this is a subject for another day.. or another post..