Situaciones privilegiadas y momentos perfectos..

Tengo una cualidad rara y preciosa.., un poder que duerme por decisión propia aunque a veces espere que se despierte.., aunque existan momentos en que pareciera que mi deseo sí se hizo realidad hace unos años.., sólo debo practicar..

Tengo el poder de conjurar situaciones privilegiadas y momentos perfectos..
De niña me perdí un poco con la gimnasia artística, la profesión de mi padre, las competencias de natación y de baseball, pero me encontré a mí misma lanzándome del segundo piso porque puedo volar, y respirando bajo el agua porque viví en el mar hace poco.., recordé mi alma con todos esos viajes privilegiados y todas aquellas premoniciones..

No me di cuenta en qué momento se filtró un factor más en mis momentos perfectos.., y a veces otorgué papeles más importantes que el mío en las dulces tragedias, entonces el éxito de aquellos momentos estaba en sus manos.., una responsabilidad abrumadora indeed.., donde el resultado no sería suficiente.., aunque lo fuera..

Cómo quería que convirtieras esos signos anunciadores y situaciones privilegiadas en momentos perfectos.., en aquellos momentos donde ninguna interrupción mundana está permitida, ni el frío, ni el hambre, ni el sueño, ni el dolor..
Y me sentía tan 'loca' al lado de tu cordura.., como una actriz fuera de lugar.., y aunque todos somos actores.., yo era muy buena..

Entiendo.. y al hacerlo voy en busca de deshacerme de mi necesidad de esos momentos perfectos.., reconozco que nada existente viene a posarse sobre mí para cambiarme o iluminarme, soy yo la que transforma energía, la que existe, la que siente, la que busca.., pero sé que dejándolos ir será la única forma de vivirlos.., porque ciertamente, no existen aquellos momentos perfectos..

Pero sí existen aquellas situaciones privilegiadas que uno debe aprovechar y convertirlas en los más bellos recuerdos.., porque si de algo estoy segura es de que no deseo construir mis recuerdos con mi presente..

Amar es toda una hazaña..

que se desarrolla en el momento adecuado para cada uno..

y aún así se necesita energía, disponibilidad y cierto coraje para saltar
.. un riesgo que paga muy alto y duplica todo por 2

..un equipo..

A holistic view of 2008 and New Year resolutions!

I feel free right now, after a peaceful new year's eve in a meaningful place..
I expected more 'action & emotions' maybe, but I know that I couldn't ask for more joy in my life, and that cup of tea at 2am made me feel kind of strange with myself..
Muchos sentimientos encontrados, lots of emotions and some doubts, some fears and lots of hopes..

2008 was a year of facing trouble in my professional area, a year from which I learnt incredible things.
For the first time I can really say I know how it is to work under pressure, I know how to work without resources, to work without any help or support, against all odds, and still achive something.., I know now really how it is to fight for what you believe, even if it is a 45 years old manager who is yelling you otherwise. and I'm so proud of that.
I can say I stood up for some things and I can say I refused some others being faithful to myself..
For the first time, I saw what I have to improve, and for the firt time, I tried and couldn't make it in the first attempt..

2008, in my personal life, was a year of decisions and personal discoveries..

For the first time, I had to accept that some of those decisions were not in my hands.., it was very complex to realize what it means to be in a relationship in terms of decisions.., my decisions, your decisions.., but there was something new: we had 'our' decisions..

I think it is the first time for both of us (even if we had another relationships), so it's not easy at all and it involves quite some maturity and growing up.., but we have a good structure and strong confidence for doing this and it makes me happy..

For 2009 I have some resolutions:

To achieve another step in my professional life
To make a complete change on my habits according to a healthy life style
To get a new soul
To water and take care of my relationship
To give a gift to my parents
To get a new heart
To write

Quiero saber si puedes.., quiero saber si eres..

No me interesa lo que haces para ganarte la vida.. 

Quiero saber cuál es tu dolor, y si te atreves a soñar que te permites encontrar lo que tu corazón añora.. 

Quiero saber si te arriesgarías a parecer un tonto por amor, por tus sueños, o por la aventura de estar vivo. 

No me interesa qué planetas hacen la cuadratura de tu luna.. 

quiero saber si has tocado el centro de tu propia angustia, si las traiciones de la vida te han abierto, o si te has encogido o cerrado por el temor a sentir más dolor.. 

Sólo quiero saber si puedes sentarte con el dolor, mío y tuyo.., sin moverte para esconderlo o para resolverlo. 

Quiero saber si puedes estar con el placer, mío y tuyo.., si puedes danzar salvajemente y dejar que el éxtasis te llene hasta las yemas de los dedos, sin advertirte a tí mismo que debes tener cuidado y ser realista, ni recordarte las limitaciones de ser humano.. 

No me interesa si es verdadera la historia que me cuentas.. 

Quiero saber si puedes soportar la acusación de ser un traidor sin traicionar tu alma.. 

Quiero saber si puedes ponerte de pie, después de haber abrazado una noche de dolor y desesperanza, agotado y golpeado hasta los huesos, y aún así ser capaz de perdonar.. 

Sólo quiero saber si puedes percibir la belleza aún cuando no todo es bello, y si puedes encontrar la fuente de tu vida en la esencia de él o ella. 

Quiero saber si puedes vivir con el fracaso, tuyo y mío, y a pesar de ello pararte a la orilla del mar y gritar a la luna que volverás a empezar.. 

No me interesa quién eres ni cómo llegaste aquí.. 

Quiero saber si permanecerías conmigo en el centro del fuego sin echarte para atrás.. 

Quiero saber si te agrada verdaderamente la compañía que buscas en tus momentos vacíos.. Quiero saber qué es lo que sostiene desde adentro cuando todo lo demás falla.. 

From 'Oriah', and a little 'me'

Some years ago..

Several years ago.., I discovered one of the layers of my philosophy..., maybe the most important one..

I really don't remember how was the process of discovering it... 

I was very young.., way too young maybe.. 

My childhood was totally tainted with philosophy thoughts and I couldn't connect with anybody for a long time.., I never played with my 10 year old classmates.., I never watched all those TV series for children.., I never understood how to play with dolls.., instead of that, I spent my days reading for hours and making puzzles.., thinking about my place in the world.., talking to souls.., exploring why people around me said that God exist.., and trying to understand WHY my classmates were too interested in subjects that were so silly and shallow for me..

I'm a psychologist now.., kind of obvious?, not at all I must say..

Actually, Psychology was my 5th choice.. after Philosophy, Art, Criminology, Literature, and going totally nuts.. :)

Finally, when I was 16, I was able to increase a little bit my adaptation to the "real" world and to the working world.., so.. with that in mind, I made my choice..

Now, as a Psychologist and as an "almost" adult person, I ask myself if "my philosophy world" was 'good' for a girl at that early age.., it brought me some problems, family ones and social ones..

At some point it got better and now it is almost calm..

But even with all those problems.., and even if now I have to accept that I still don't quite connect with the majority of people.., it was all worthed.., cause without that, I wouldn't have been the person I am now..

I think I'm still kind of weird, but happy with myself!, and with the people I DO connect with..

So.. what was my first layer of my life philosophy???

Related posts: The first layer of my philosophy My reasons

Challenges: efforts, courage and sacrifices..

I have several challenges to confront now.., not everything is sweet..

So, in order to make it to AIESEC Ukraine, I have to tramit 2 visas, make a lot of efforts and make some sacrifices.

I need to tramit here in Paris the visas for Ukraine and Poland, outside Paris will be impossible. If something goes wrong I'm totally ruined..!
Ukraine is NOT a popular destination and direct fligths tickets are beyond what I can afford right now.., I didn't think of that when I applied to this job!, but.. God bless Ryanair.com!, besides, I am now really good organizing travel's detail and cheap flights connections.
I don't have too much time but I'm very proud of myself cause somehow I manage to connect every place I wanted and still be able to spend new year with my boyfriend in Napoli and Rome before departing to Ukraine..

So, after hours of work and hard calculations, tickets are bought and here I present you my itinerary for the next 12 days. If just one of the next things goes wrong or I miss a plane or train, everything will fall.., what a pressure!!:

December 28 (early morning) - Tourin / Paris
December 28 (morning) - Pick up Poland visa
December 28 (noon) - Pick up Ukraine visa
December 28 (afternoon) - Flight Paris - Venice
December 29 (night) - Train Venice - Brescia
December 30 (night) - Train Brescia - Napoli
January 6 (night) - Train Napoli - Rome
January 9 (early morning) Flight Rome - Frankfurt
January 9 (night) Flight Frankfurt - Rzeszów (Poland)
January 9 (midnight) Train or whatever to Lviv or Kiev in Ukraine

(I still can't believe all my connections after Rome, 2 flights and 1 train, are so so so much cheaper than taking a direct flight Rome - Kiev!!!! well, the world is crazy..)

If everything goes well I will be on January 10th in Ukraine, ready to start my job!
I have to admit I'm scared.., but I feel ALIVE.., it's so intense...

Tomorrow I will leave Tourin at 6am in order to arrive to Paris at 10am, there I have to take a lot of metros and run between 2 embassies for getting my visas before 2pm, when I have to run to the bus stop before 3pm to take a 3 hours bus to the airport for taking my flight to Venice at 6pm!

Again.. I'm scared.., what if I don't get both visas?, what if I loose the plane?
Ok, I can't be nervous.., I have a nice plan so I just have to stick to it and be organized..

Tomorrow I will leave France..,
tomorrow maybe I won't have the time I need to turn my head back and admire one last time this place.., so.., now and here, in the middle of a 'perfect moment' full of fear, courage and illusions..,
I say goodbye to France..

A plane toward my dreams..

Inside a plane that took me to my biggest dream

July 6, still dizzy because of that kiss.., totally late at the airport..
.. couldn't stand the tears of my little brother, the sad hug of my mom, and the look of my dad.., some of my best friends were there and FINALLY, I felt something!
I was unable to feel for the past few weeks and I was starting to worry.., it was the fear I guess, fear to leave behind some things, fear to the possibility that they think I want to leave, even if now it is true..., I need to leave...

I couldn't forget my little brother's tears..,
I remembered when he was brought home..., and now I happily understand he's gonna be my responsibility forever..

The plane started to move and it was all so beautiful..,
I have THE experience of my life in front of my eyes, and it will be WOW!
Emotions came back to me! y qué RICO se siente el miedo, la alegría, la angustia y los latidos fuertes del corazón..
I can find again answers in my heart!

After 12 hours in the plane and 12 sweet little papers that moved my soul..,
I arrived to Madrid.... another life began..

Then, a plane to Germany..
and I couldn't stop thinking about lakes and long-nights' conversations in Cologne..

The first thing I saw when I went down the plane :)

Something new will start!!!

When feeling kind of confused, desmotivated and helpless about my AIESEC carrier.. .. and what's more frightening.., when I was totally desmotivated about my psichology carrier..

A really boring evenning, sitting in front of my computer, in probably the most boring work I've ever had, an email arrived to my inbox... and hope just invaded my world.. A lifetime opportunity was offered to me because of my work as LCP in AIESEC LIMA..

Some months later and after a LONG selection process... TODAY...

... I was selected VP People Development for LC BRESCIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So.., I'm moving out to Italy with all expenses covered in there, plus a part time job in a company..

Wow!.. AIESEC is taking me now to the dreamed Italy.. Now, I can't hardly wait!!!! .. but somehow I did it since this February!!! Fuck! 3 1/2 months for selection process!!

.. from one high emotion to another very different but high still.. I love it!

Related Posts: A gift from heaven?

An stage of my life just ended..

Ayer terminó mi período como PRESIDENTA de AIESEC LIMA...

It was amazing!!!

A year full of emotions and learning!.., full of challenges, mistakes and more learning! 

After this year I've gained so much.., impossible to describe with words, as a  dream came true...

Being LCP (local President) was definitively my best leadership experience so far and will be on my top forever...

I hope we all can maintain perspective and our AIESEC's culture. We can't forget enjoying our work, living diversity and learning from what we do each day..

About my LCP period, I made good things, I made some mistakes too..., but this isn't finished!...

.. I will stay close and I will keep doing things for my CLUL...

In the meantime...

THANKS TO ALL MY TEAM!

Nunca creí en las casualidades..., nunca digas nunca...!

How your life can totally change in few minutes by actions you can't see...

... cause when you manage to see them... it's already too late ... 

Sometimes we think we have the power to decide how our lifes are going to be..., 

nevertheless, we don't always pay attention to some consequences of our acts...

Do we usually realize, how just an small action, or even a smile, can have a big impact in other person's decisions or paths?

December 2004 brought intense emotions for me...,

and I AM an emotional person (even if I don't seem like it)..

December 5th: a day to remember, a day to forget.., sadness and frustration.. and it went worst..

On the opposite side.., December 25th brought revelations, peace, happiness and sublime emotions!.., sharing deep thoughts and feelings, having an spontaneous and unexpected night..

And suddenly, January 5th 2005: I got email!

A great oportunity to work and live in Italy just arrived to my inbox!, and it's 99% fit to my proffesional profile!

Parece mentira pensar que en el momento en que me encontraba más desmotivada (muchos se acordaran de mi trabajo en "ANAL" (ANAR) como psicóloga jaja), más frustrada, con más dudas que nunca, totalmente varada y en stand by en mi carrera aieseca (www.aiesec.org) y profesional, fuera a llegar esto.. 

Nunca creí en casualidades... 

Pero ahora pienso en el 2005 como un mar de emociones y oportunidades que YO me las he ganado, por mi trabajo y esfuerzo... aún falta mucho por concretar, considerando que muchos se postularán a lo que YO quiero.., pero simplemente siento que esto me cayo del cielo y SE que esto será para mí... 

QUE EL MUNDO CONSPIRE...! 

NEW YEAR 2005!

...Quizá un último año nuevo en Lima por un tiempo...

Este fue el año nuevo de la estafa de la fiesta en Asia.., 

afortunadamente el mío fue más tranquilo y con menos decepciones.. 

Un año nuevo que terminó en 2 días olvidándome del mundo sin planearlo, 2 días en una carpa sin las provisiones necesarias, ya que por alguna razón, no pude moverme y la inercia me invadió. 

La compañía fue perfecta esos 2 días.., casi como si hubiera estado conmigo misma.. 

Fue un año donde dejé muchas obsesiones, que aunque "olvidadas", siempre recordaré a mi manera.., con una sonrisa.. 

Fue un año en que me volví a enamorar (o al menos creí hacerlo..), 

después de aquella vez en la que esa posibilidad se veía tan lejos, 

a pesar de que sabía que volvería a hacerlo.., 

ahora sé que cada vez será totalmente diferente y eso me lleva a preguntarme.. 

cómo sabré entonces la diferencia?

Un año en el cual aprendí que hay gente que no "quiere" ser feliz.. y no lo sabe.., 

cuán grande puede ser el poder del miedo.. 

Un año donde confirmé que amar no es suficiente y que, aunque el amor no exista, cómo se sufre por ese concepto! (que rompí hace algún tiempo)

Un año donde superé lo más difícil que me ha tocado hasta ahora.. decepciones, incertidumbre y momentos en los que no quería levantarme.. 

Y acá estoy, celebrando fin de año con personas importantes cerca.. nunca faltan los roces y expectativas distintas.. pero las amistades que duran y las superan son invaluables.. 

Un poco de vino y tequila en Asia; una conversación especial, que quizá nunca llegué a entender; una llamada lindísima, some dancing, un par de confesiones.., y un atardecer en la playa contigo.. 

Gracias a todos los que compartieron sus "2014" conmigo..

¡FELIZ AÑO NUEVO 2005!

Atardecer en la playa.. bella forma de empezar el año.. Gracias!

My reason: De conceptos rotos está hecho el mundo..

I write since I was 8 years old I think.. 

Now, my 'new year's resolution' has given me another way to do it..

My hundred diaries and my thousands thoughts will be here.., inmortalized..

My most privileged/exceptional moments..,

the most important of my life's stages.., at least,

My book: 'De conceptos rotos está hecho el mundo' 

I write because I don't know how NOT to express myself.. 

My mind just flows with it.. 

.. it's the only way to calm down my emotions, my feelings and my "thinking".. 

My memory is like everybody else's.., can not keep on top all my moments, all my thoughts.. 

I had always read a lot, but I also produce 'my own' through my life experience and my intellect.. 

I have always asked myself: .. Do I have another source? another way?.. 

.. maybe in a parallel state.. but then again.. I've always felt like living in a parallel state and some things I will only know by dying and living again.. and even so, it's just a possibility..

My thoughts and memories will be stopped in time.., my life on words.., my experiences on ideas.. my opinion about and for the world.. 

My way to always be able to come back to basics.. 

My thoughts evolving.., my emotions and feeling getting consistent.., my vision and philosophy taking shape.., my personality turning stronger and more flexible at the same time.., my past shaping my future and my soul.., growing up into beauty and toward a meaningful life.. 

An "Ode to Philosophy" and other things..

Related Posts: Some years ago.. The first layer of my philosophy