I'm writing my life as I live it..

Now.., I really see how challenges surprise you all of a sudden.., things you wouldn't imagine you will have to deal with.., and yes.., the troubles I've lived never crossed my mind when, some years ago, I used to think about my future.. I keep doing things that scare me though.., I strongly recommend that! I try not to spend my time on jelousy and I kept all my love letters.. I started to take care of my body.. I dance.., I laugh.., I strecht :) I have a great bond with my parents I didn't have before.., and I have friends to hold on, friends that will stay timeless.. Only one thing didn't change: I still don't know what I will do with my life.. .. and that's good.., cause I want surprises.., I prefer to write my life as I live it.., day by day.., page by page.., it's good for me not to have all my life figured out.., I don't wanna know where I will be tomorrow.., I just wanna know what makes my world goes round.., that's enough.. Feeling this moment is a good one to listen to these advices again.. It has always moved me and everytime I hear it I see another side of it.. I know I will always remember to dance, laugh and stretch.., to dare to love and to dare to write..

Percibiendo..

The ravages of your absence finally went down..
Nevertheless, these days I've been stressed out about some uncertainty on my path..
Today my doubt finished.., but I don't know if I'm happy with the results..

My sixth sense turned on and I know how things are gonna be.., maybe it's time..
Besides my professional life, I felt something else..

Everything is great!, lots of beautiful words and conversations, some offerings of chocolate cake and pasta.., some telephatic sharing, some dancing, support, and cuddle thinking..
Frequency went down but it's just the way it has to be, everything is great..
isn't it?

My sixth sense whispered me with the test results..,
it appeared again when that 'letter' and 'planning' took place..,
it spoke to me when I saw some changes.., but changes are good, right?,
my sixth sense just doesn't want to go away, it's trying to tell me something..
Maybe it's just me and my ghosts.., my fears, my stubbornness to make comparisons..

I think I thought you didn't listen in the same way..,
it wasn't a good moment maybe..,
yes, I understand your world even if I'm angry cause you left me waiting..

Live.., listen.., learn.., grow up.., cry.., forget.., and start again..
Meanwhile, my sixth sense keeps talking to me..

Today, I wished time went back..

Sometimes it's a little too late..,
maybe sometimes you forget you are not alone,
maybe you don't really get what it means to share your everyday with another person,
your 'life moments' with the people you love..
How could you know before?
and you will hurt and be hurted so many times...

We are made to be selfish.., I believe it's a 'good' thing.., yes..
There's a time in your life when you HAVE to be selfish..
but then you start evolving and your priorities change..,
of course you will keep being selfish but as we grow up we have to try..
we are better humans when we try..

Today I wished time went back..
I made a fool of myself and I might hurted someone special..

There's a lot of things I don't like..,
I'm really used to say 'NO' and I always did, no matter what..
I'm NOT a typical vanilla sweet girl, I'm strong in my attitudes, opinions and decisions..,
so saying 'NO' is really easy for me.., don't care about social parameters..
This is one of the most important things to me.., the only part of my freedom you all can see..,
do only what my soul tells me, do only whatever I want..
I hate when people follow others like sheeps..
and I used to think I couldn't hate anything more than this..
But today, I discovered I was wrong.., it just lost all the visceral negative meaning for me..

Cause today, I realized, yesterday I was not alone..
and I just discovered that the thing I hate the most is hurting you..

Quiero saber si puedes.., quiero saber si eres..

No me interesa lo que haces para ganarte la vida.. 

Quiero saber cuál es tu dolor, y si te atreves a soñar que te permites encontrar lo que tu corazón añora.. 

Quiero saber si te arriesgarías a parecer un tonto por amor, por tus sueños, o por la aventura de estar vivo. 

No me interesa qué planetas hacen la cuadratura de tu luna.. 

quiero saber si has tocado el centro de tu propia angustia, si las traiciones de la vida te han abierto, o si te has encogido o cerrado por el temor a sentir más dolor.. 

Sólo quiero saber si puedes sentarte con el dolor, mío y tuyo.., sin moverte para esconderlo o para resolverlo. 

Quiero saber si puedes estar con el placer, mío y tuyo.., si puedes danzar salvajemente y dejar que el éxtasis te llene hasta las yemas de los dedos, sin advertirte a tí mismo que debes tener cuidado y ser realista, ni recordarte las limitaciones de ser humano.. 

No me interesa si es verdadera la historia que me cuentas.. 

Quiero saber si puedes soportar la acusación de ser un traidor sin traicionar tu alma.. 

Quiero saber si puedes ponerte de pie, después de haber abrazado una noche de dolor y desesperanza, agotado y golpeado hasta los huesos, y aún así ser capaz de perdonar.. 

Sólo quiero saber si puedes percibir la belleza aún cuando no todo es bello, y si puedes encontrar la fuente de tu vida en la esencia de él o ella. 

Quiero saber si puedes vivir con el fracaso, tuyo y mío, y a pesar de ello pararte a la orilla del mar y gritar a la luna que volverás a empezar.. 

No me interesa quién eres ni cómo llegaste aquí.. 

Quiero saber si permanecerías conmigo en el centro del fuego sin echarte para atrás.. 

Quiero saber si te agrada verdaderamente la compañía que buscas en tus momentos vacíos.. Quiero saber qué es lo que sostiene desde adentro cuando todo lo demás falla.. 

From 'Oriah', and a little 'me'

I'm free again..

I lived without it for a while.., 

for quite some time actually...,

very conscious of it.., but without anything I could do.. 

I realized then.., that it's not enough.. 

It's not enough to know, it's not enough to be able to.., 

to be able to conect with nature..

My mind tried hard to scape.., she tried to go very far away, 

to unknown places beyond physics.. 

... I've always thought it was totally possible for people like me.. 

.. but it wasn't.. 

She had no water... 

... how could she go so far without water??? 

so.., she stayed and wait.., and I lost my freedom..

Time went by.. 

I got water now.., and I know now what is really necessary and what is not.. 

I will thank for those necessary things everyday.. 

Cause I'm free again.., I'm alive again... 

That's why I can say I will be happy, just because I chose my life.. 

Not all people can say that.., and some people just don't know if there's a difference.. 

But freedom has a high price.., indeed.. 

Through my short path I hurted some people I love.., 

I made mistakes when finding my way.., 

I lost something I still miss cause I took a decision.., 

I got hurted of course, many times.., and all these will continue happening..

"La libertad tiene un precio alto.., tan alto como el precio de la esclavitud.."

I'm proud of all my scars.., and I'm happily paying the price, 

with a smile, even more when tears come across.. 

I made changes.., I didn't stay there.. 

Now I'm living pushing my limits.., challenging physics.., 

trying to get to more unkown places.., 

.. today.., I visited another one..

The first layer of my philosophy

I grew up thinking that the most important in "my" world was to be faithful with myself.., no matter what.., and that means a lot actually.., more than I thought then..

It was, and it is.., a fight with the "a priori ways" we all have for protecting our conscious mind, who can't stand all our emotions, fears, desires and feelings..

I think I started fighting my "ego defense mechanisms" since I was conscious I "am".. 

Never liked to be blinded by those mechanisms.. so, without noticing, I was learning to be "awake".., to feel everything.., even the most powerful and basic desires as killing and lust..

Since I remember, I tried to embrace everything I felt and all my dreams as reality.., without any guilt, without any shame..

I think that's why I can shout my heart's longings without any shame and without caring what people think.. 

That's why I can be in the center of my own deep sorrow and sit there, quiet and still.., without doing anything to hide it or make it disappear.., embracing it instead!.., without closing my soul or my heart because of it...

That's why I can dance.. 

That's why I have disappointed others in order to be loyal to myself.. .. and I'll keep doing it.. 

That's why I can live failures, problems, heart breakings, pains, betrayals, death, and still shout to the universe: I LOVE BEING ALIVE..!! 

That's why I like my own company and.., 

.. that's why this layer of my philosophy holds me from inside..

Posts related: Some years ago.. My reasons

Some years ago..

Several years ago.., I discovered one of the layers of my philosophy..., maybe the most important one..

I really don't remember how was the process of discovering it... 

I was very young.., way too young maybe.. 

My childhood was totally tainted with philosophy thoughts and I couldn't connect with anybody for a long time.., I never played with my 10 year old classmates.., I never watched all those TV series for children.., I never understood how to play with dolls.., instead of that, I spent my days reading for hours and making puzzles.., thinking about my place in the world.., talking to souls.., exploring why people around me said that God exist.., and trying to understand WHY my classmates were too interested in subjects that were so silly and shallow for me..

I'm a psychologist now.., kind of obvious?, not at all I must say..

Actually, Psychology was my 5th choice.. after Philosophy, Art, Criminology, Literature, and going totally nuts.. :)

Finally, when I was 16, I was able to increase a little bit my adaptation to the "real" world and to the working world.., so.. with that in mind, I made my choice..

Now, as a Psychologist and as an "almost" adult person, I ask myself if "my philosophy world" was 'good' for a girl at that early age.., it brought me some problems, family ones and social ones..

At some point it got better and now it is almost calm..

But even with all those problems.., and even if now I have to accept that I still don't quite connect with the majority of people.., it was all worthed.., cause without that, I wouldn't have been the person I am now..

I think I'm still kind of weird, but happy with myself!, and with the people I DO connect with..

So.. what was my first layer of my life philosophy???

Related posts: The first layer of my philosophy My reasons

EGYPT by "Celeste"

I have already 1 week here.., and my happiness is telling me "she" wants to freeze time and shine a bit more inside me.., discovering what is this thing that makes her so true..

EGYPT!.., one of the most visited countries in the world.., and a "MUST" for those who love turism, culture and history..

The political and cultural center that leads the Middle East.., the most populous country in Africa (after Nigeria of course).., the country that has in its territory the Giza Pyramids, the Great Sphinx, the Tomb of Tutankhamun, the Valley of the Kings, the longest river in the world, The Nile River.., impressive monuments and ancient history..

Maybe nowadays, Egypt is a top destination just because is "Egypt".., but, for those who do know.., this place is attractive for being one of the most overwhelming and one of the first civilizations in the history of humanity that still holds some unsolved questions..

Besides that.., for me at least, is one of the countries that sadly represents the human fight for power.., that human desire for owning tangible things that give wealth, "status" and power...
As you know, the Nile Valley has generated fights since at least the Paleolithic era! and Egypt was owned for several "kingdoms", since the Persians, the Greeks and the Romans, until the Frenchs and Britains.., passing through the Muslim Arabs and the Ottoman Turks, as a really brief example of a history of Wars for Power..
And even since Egyptian Republic was declared in 1953, the efforts for taking down the goverment continued, and the Suez Canal and the Sinai have been reasons of war with France, United Kingdom and Israel, bringing death and barriers for development.

A place where the calls for praying are heard 5 times a day cause it is one of the Pillars of Islam.., a country 90% muslim where they all know it means 'submission to God'.., and this meaning changes everything for us, skeptic ones, but shapes everything for them..
A place where extreme Islamic Fundamentalism exists, but at the same time, a country that is evolving and fighting against it, even if it has brought some attacks to the major source of income: Turism..

... Suddenly...
I look at myself standing up inside a culture demonstration that, even if totally different, teaches me again that..:

A human being is not made by his religion, his belongings or the longest river, cause we are all just a wonderful second in the universe with a brain, senses, dreams and fears..

And I see again.. that concepts are only concepts.., and people feelings are the same in every spot you happen to be..

An inconvenient truth..

"..INTELLECTUALLY EXHILARATING.. 'An unconvenient truth' is a necessary film"

A.O. Scott. THE NEW YORK TIMES "A sad 'coming soon'?.., a convenient interpretation for political publicity?.., or both??" E.C.B. CELESTE'S BLOG

I just saw the Academic Award-winning documental about the state of Global Warming.., an even if I accept that Al Gore commited certain mistakes, this is a subject that actually matters to me like few others do.., maybe because of my particular fears, or my care for animals.., or because "destruction" is a theme that has always "worried" me in a "neurotic and strange" way..

Directed by David Guggenheim and presented by former United States Vice President Al Gore:

DESTRUCTION.. isn't this word scary??

Have you ever thought if we are really sitting on a ticking time bomb? Maybe yes.., but how many of you have, as an obvious consolation, the fact that we are not going to be here then?.. Well, from a mind that really loves life and has recently DISCOVERED how it is to love and admire your country and your world (thing that I didn't realize before), Global Warming, if true, becomes a huge state of alert.. Because, even if sometimes I live in "other world", I can't believe how amazing animals are.., how beautiful the moon or a flower can be.., how much calm the rain can bring with its sweet nostalgy.., how powerful the smile of a person you love can be.., and how love can make this world go round.. I can go on and on with how amazed I am with our world.. I just don't want to imagine destruction..

The title for this film seems to me so "convenient"... Although it refers to a passage from the famous book 'Democracy in America', another thing comes to my mind, as I was talking the other day with a friend in terms of what's convenient or not for us.. People decisions are based on that, even when we don't notice it directly.. So, if the majority of people think Global Warming is caused by humanity, how come we arrived to this point?.. theory of immediate satisfaction!!

.. but this is a subject for another day.. or another post..

I won't have any 'what if' in my life..

All this time trying to find peace..,
all this time looking for a place to live and a job to survive..,
but YOU came along..,
and you know I can't stop being fool for love..

This time the risk will be totally my fault..,
and I'm not surprised to know that I will do it..,
I will certainly watch myself jumping into that risk..

Why did you appear in my life??, why now???, and why from so far?
it's NOT a good timing and it's NOT a good moment for me..,
cause I've developed some needs and if you cover them now, I will fall in love..
I'm getting there.., at least I have all the symptoms..

In the meantime, and as usual.., I don't care..
I know I will take that plane..,
and I will only know in some days..,
.. in some days, when I find myself in THAT situation or in a beautiful dream instead..
What a crazy thing to do!,
putting in risk my house, my security, my basic needs..,
what a dreamer or how stupid.. :)
But it has an logical and philosophycal explanation in my way to see life:
NEVER keep a "what if" in you mind..
I could never forgive myself if I do that.., so I take the risk..,
cause is better have something to regret.., than regret for not doing anything..

Quiero estados mentales!

Hay cosas que no se pueden compartir estando tan lejos.., sensaciones.., miradas.., estados mentales..

No me basta con hechos y acciones.., quiero estados mentales!

Pido mucho quizá para personas que intentan ser prácticas..., anyway, esto es algo que se esperaba.., no todos somos iguales..

.. It is not how sweet little papers said...

No tiene que ver con el tiempo real.., tiene que ver con entender la importancia de detenerse a observar y observarse..

Sin embargo, el tiempo 'real' es real.., y siempre peligrarán nuestras almas ante la velocidad con la que gira el mundo..

There isn't such a thing as "time" 

... el tiempo se crea cuando uno valora algo... 

... es cuestión de elecciones... 

Mirar atrás un SOLO día es una cosa.., mirar atrás toda una vida es otra...

No me sorprende entonces el número infinito de almas que jamás se encontraron a sí mismas.

Qué tristeza imaginar esos ojos, finalmente mirando hacia atrás un día, y sólo encontrando imágenes borrosas, decisiones sin sentido y consecuencias esparcidas...

Puedes acelerar tus pasos.., pero recuerda que si te pierdes, puedes perderte para siempre, o demorarte una vida en regresar..

Qué bello es mirar atrás al final del día... 

.. pero qué triste es mirar atrás sólo al final de toda una vida...

Vainilla o chocolate: Mi choque cultural?

September was supposed to be different, was gonna bring the 'real' life I trusted..
I don't see it.., and September will be over soon..
It's not only that I didn't meet my expectations, it's more complicated than that.., it's about world's perspectives...

Me sorprende mucho sólo haber tenido 1 reunión de equipo.., sé que muchos viven fuera de la ciudad y que en época de vacaciones todo se detiene por aquí.., es tan diferente a AIESEC PERU donde en vacaciones y feriados es cuando MAS se trabaja y se aprovecha para las típicas amanecidas que unen tanto al equipo..

Me sorprende aún más la decisión de planificar por separado, en una EB nueva que necesita guía en iniciativas globales y estrategias de planning; además, dónde queda la mística, la sinergia, el apasionamiento?
En AIESEC LIMA aprendí que un objetivo que no se traza en conjunto jamás será un compromiso de equipo.., aprendí que no importa si las 'ideas' están ya delineadas por las cabezas, importa que el equipo haya colaborado con ellas y la sensación de que se conviertan en ideas de cada uno de ellos.., sólo así el equipo luchará contra viento y marea por una sola causa, y sólo así aprenderá a conocerse, a unir fortalezas, a cubrir debilidades, y a quererse.., mis EBs 02-05 están conformadas por gente tan diferente a mí que no imagino cómo nos hubiésemos hecho grandes amigos sin aquellas horas de trabajo arduo y aquellos intercambios de opiniones apasionados..

Me preocupa no tener ese espacio ahora.., pienso que es clave en la primera etapa del trabajo anual.., and September will be over soon..; me preocupa la conexión, alguien como yo necesita ese espacio para conectar con personas diferentes.., insistí mucho tal vez porque se me dijo que la organización de la planificación no era parte de mi portafolio.., quizá se quedó en mi corazón el rol de LCP :), quizá me emocionó pensar que podía enseñar todo lo que aprendí en AIESEC PERU.., quizá eso se confunde con arrogancia?

Recuerdo aquella vez que mi director de teatro me dio aquel papel que yo taaanto deseaba en una obra de Shakespeare y al mismo tiempo me gritó fuertemente.., confundió el control de mi angustia con altanería.., pensó que daba por sentado mi protagonismo y yo sólo me esforzaba en controlar mi inseguridad de no obtenerlo..

Dentro de esta oscura sensación de 'no conectar', ha sido una salvación contar con un amigo de mi misma 'especie' con quien puedo darme rienda suelta; con mi roomate que hace mi estadía más 'familiar' y dulce..; y con un par de sexys citas que también salvaron el mes..

Sé que mi manera de ser resulta 'censurable' para ciertas personas., siempre ha sido así.., sólo que acá descubrí que Lima no es una ciudad conservadora para nada!..; mi manera de pensar, mi lenguaje no verbal, mi vehemencia y mi estilo liberal no están encajando.., aún después de entender por aquellas miradas de confusión que debo evitar mis manifestaciones ligeras de añoranza hacia el mundo de las drogas y de las bajas pasiones.., y cómo conectar en este mundo tan 'vainilla' si no veo ese deseo de ir en busca de cierta clase de emociones?

Cierta clase de emociones..., I've tried to like aperitives from 5 to 8pm, I've tried to be thrilled by rhymes out loud, or turned on by jumps and punching instead of dancing..

I want crazyness, sensuality and 'derroches de pasión'!, extraño sentir el movimiento de mi cuerpo al ritmo de una música riquísima, quiero excesos, atrevimientos y sentir el arte de la seducción entre hombres y mujeres..

I want tequila at 3am instead of aperitives at 5pm.., better!, I want a delicious man having some tequila, salt and lemon from my neck!.., and I want some pot!!!!!, how difficult is that? OMG!

Extraño salir de la oficina a las 1opm y tener un 'hueco' para ir a tomar unas chelas, un casino, un billar, cine, o un rico sitio donde volverme loca bailando; poder comer lo que quiera incluso a las 4am, extraño tener buses a todas horas, en todas partes.., acá es un lío hasta para ir a comer y ya no puedo caminar más.., y ya no puedo ser 'vainilla' un día más..!

I am definitely 'chocolate' :)
He aquí: 'mi choque cultural'...
... and September will be over soon..
But October will bring some changes..

Germany: The Land of Ideas..

Germany...
My first step in the Old World, for a high rated passionate reason,
but totally worthed in the end..
A land of ideas indeed.., a land of poets and thinkers.., innovation and progress.., for sure one of the motors of economy, an excellent example of life and one of my favorite places in Europe for getting inspire..

Some days, totally in love with crazyness; some days, shaking hands with those souls I met years ago.., my dear Nietzsche, the exceptional Wagner, the classical Beethoven and the historical Einstein.., some days getting high with the brilliant pesimism of Schopenhauer, the intensity of Bach and the metaphysic of Kafka..

While remembering all those shadows.., while crossing the line of madness.., one person kept me safe in the side of sanity, bringing my best memories to this different future.., introducing me to his new world and teaching me to say goodbye at the same time..

See you soon Germany..

What tears mean sometimes...

Not always equal to sadness or suffering tears..

.. and they are the best ones ;)

Sharing, remembering, and feeling certain moments again can make you feel very sensitive and vulnerable sometimes... .. and as if it weren't enough!.. There are always those few people who just have that kind of power on you: they are able to hurt you very deep.. And that's really the beautiful thing for me!.. People who can hurt you the most are not your enemies.., people who can impact on you the most are those you love and those that love you back... In an specific perspective, it doesn't matter if they actually hurt you or make you happy, it doesn't matter if it's in a direct or indirect way.., cause the true fact is ONLY that they CAN.., they are the only ones that can destroy you emotionally.. :)

... and that's why a lot of people are afraid to love...

Cause nothing will hurt you more than see them suffer.., and nothing will matter to you more than their happiness, their well-being, their opinions about your decisions, and how they show to you with each act or detail that they care about you...

These kind of tears I'm talking about appear when you care...

.. then you are living!..

And you asked me again: why?..

.. don't you know I am extremaly happy for being able to feel and dare like "this"?, in a way not everybody can.., for being able to love and let you love me?.. why don't you?

But at the end of the day, at the end of the life.., I will say I conquered that fear..

Fear to suffer, fear to live, fear to die.. Hard of course, but.. tell me if you can, what really bad can happen? There is so much in the world to be afraid of.. but not this!.. not my own feelings! not even yours..

With whom will you dare to be yourself if it's not with your special ones??

But you keep asking me why?

I loose my count.. ... I love to cry.., I love feeling exhausted after it..

This time was not for you..

For my Tril.., my reason today..